Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
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[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
It do be feeling this way.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk