@eyeswidebutt: did you write "call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex" on the bathroom stall?
[wearing my "I hate gary" tshirt]: no
@eyeswidebutt: [on phone]
mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it 'pokey-man'
@eyeswidebutt: me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED'
thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit
me: Bitey loves kids doe
@eyeswidebutt: if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence
@eyeswidebutt: [hanging out w mob]
"Tony sleeps with the fishes"
*they all laugh*
[self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys
@eyeswidebutt: [dinner table]
gfs dad: so what do you do for a living
me: human trafficking
gf: he's a crossing guard dad
@eyeswidebutt: [a postapocalyptic world where everyone has killed themselves so they dont have to hear my opinions]
me: lemme explain y this is problematic