One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
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Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Y’all know who you are.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Me too 😆
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.