I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
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What?
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
accurate
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.