Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt