My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
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Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Dear Lord..
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Good morning, Twitter x
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”