At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
You Might Also Like
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me