I’m just playing devils avocado here
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As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…