[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
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I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
#DesignFail
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t