Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
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[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
You had me at “define legal”.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards