Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon