*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
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if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them