My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Hard not to take this personally
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.