The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
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*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.