I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
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My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks