Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
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ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.