Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
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give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training