Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of fro_vo's best tweets

@fro_vo : [construction site] NEW GUY: can i use your hammer OLD TIMER: no it’s mine FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

@fro_vo: WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

@fro_vo: 911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

@fro_vo: i got 99 problems and being upside down ain't one

ok wait i got 66 problems

@fro_vo: DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

@fro_vo: CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

@fro_vo: [Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it's
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

@fro_vo: ME: it's time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

@fro_vo: [dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

@fro_vo: *a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*