Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of fu_dad's best tweets

@fu_dad : I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

@fu_dad: Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

@fu_dad: Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

@fu_dad: • Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

@fu_dad: I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

@fu_dad: HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

@fu_dad: In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

@fu_dad: When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

@fu_dad: First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

@fu_dad: It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.