Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
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*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Social Media and Real life
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.