I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
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“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Found my door mat
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
This is the one
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
#TopTip
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?