You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????