Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
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I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*