We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
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Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Finally!
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.