[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
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Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet