Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of fuzzlime's best tweets

@fuzzlime : them: hold your horses me: *immediately drops one*

@fuzzlime: I'm one of the 128 people on earth who doesn't have a facebook so when the robots take over don't even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

@fuzzlime: I take great pride in the fact that I have told you "the stupidest thing you've ever heard" in more than one argument

@fuzzlime: I can't grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

@fuzzlime: too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

@fuzzlime: my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

@fuzzlime: It's saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

@fuzzlime: I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

@fuzzlime: last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

@fuzzlime: Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]