Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
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when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.