Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 馃槒
Him: We all are…
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU鈥橰E GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don鈥檛 believe in vaccines?
Me at 18: I鈥檒l sleep when I鈥檓 dead.
Me at 34: If I don鈥檛 get some sleep, I鈥檓 going to die.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I鈥檓 eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we鈥檙e no longer friends.
i mainly don鈥檛 bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should鈥檝e tried harder
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
check in with your friends but also don鈥檛 forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they鈥檙e doing bad
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.