I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
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Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Canada has crack?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?