Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*