What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
These work great until they don’t.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
this article brought to you by lions
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,