approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me buying fruit and veg
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys