“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Nice try Hitler
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.