I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
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Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.