8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
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Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.