Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
You Might Also Like
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
finally found a reasonable question
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.