Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
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Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”