lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.