Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?