Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of gojarbe's best tweets

@gojarbe : *puts ranch dressing on chicken* aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

@gojarbe: [wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
"chickety china the chinese chicken"
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
"if i had $1,000,000"

@gojarbe: "and this lake shall be called Superior"

all the other Great Lakes: "k wow we're like right here"

@gojarbe: [gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

@gojarbe: me: wanna see my cat's shed?
friend: lots of cats shed. why would--
[my cat enters wearing a tool belt]
cat: show him the gazebo, too

@gojarbe: "and this blood shall be called A+"

all the other blood types: "k wow we're like right here"

@gojarbe: [prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

@gojarbe: [on a date]
me: what's your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

@gojarbe: *spills water on pants*

ok don't let anyone think you peed your pants

"hey what happ--"

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL