Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
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Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.