Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
You Might Also Like
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped