ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
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Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.