“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
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My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.