My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.