Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”