@handsock_butts: Me: I didn't get anything this year. Do you think Santa's magic...is running out?
Wife: Santa isn't real
Me: Don't lie to save my feelings
@handsock_butts: 6 year old: daddy look we've had a whirlpool in our house this whole time!
Dad: for the love of god Timmy please get out of the toilet
@handsock_butts: SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I'D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
@handsock_butts: HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u