Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
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Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I love the honesty
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes