only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS