Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
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You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING