torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?