Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of heidi420x's best tweets

@heidi420x : I don't need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

@heidi420x: I'm not interested in your cat unless it's on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

@heidi420x: Just yelled "out of my way monsters!" at a flock of seagulls, so I'm done interacting socially for the day

@heidi420x: Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.

@heidi420x: Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

@heidi420x: "What'd you do today"
"Went on a treasure hunt"
"I hope you mean job hunt"
"Treasure hunt"
"You need to find a job"
"Not if I find treasure"

@heidi420x: Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you're alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Her: are y--
Me: people like you go missing

@heidi420x: I haven't been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn't lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I've told to cops.

@heidi420x: You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

@heidi420x: The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..